none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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