Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Randomize
