At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
