Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
