never play flip cup with pint glasses
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
