I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
