She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
