if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
