You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
