Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
