I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
