The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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