mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
