just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
