U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
