They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
