And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Randomize
