I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
