i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
