don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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