FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
