So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
