Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
