Cold hands, warm shart.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
