my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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