Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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