I hate your face
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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