You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize