Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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