Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
