i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize