So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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