I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
