Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize