If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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