Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
