News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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