i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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