ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
dude. I can hear the air.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
