i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
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