I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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