sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
