I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
