I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
