I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Never joke about your clitoris.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
