sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Randomize
