my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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