you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
