I wish I could teleport
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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