I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Randomize
