my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
