the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
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