I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
