My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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