Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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