Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize