ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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