Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
