my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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