I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize